My failed attempt at building a time machine.

Written by Joseph Alex Wemborly

So I was sitting in my hotel room last night watching a very digressive debate between two up and coming politics and I came to the realization that what America needs is time machine. You know....a funny looking metallic oval device that would propel it's user through time so they could fix random things in their lives or situations.    

I suddenly became enthralled with ideas! Not the "Boy, Wish I could go back and not fail that exam in Geography" kind of idea but more "Fuckin Ayy dude! Sure wish I could go back and bang that one chick!!"

So I quickly gathered up a note pad and pen. I then thought to myself,"If I am going to build a time machine I will most undoubtedly need a collaborator with some kind of scientific expertise." Who would it be? Who would I choose for this most glorious undertaking? And then it came to me! STEVEN HAWKING!!! If not him then who else?

Like most of you know I can be a very determined person after a glass of fine Merlot......In my infinite wisdom I realized, if Steven Hawking is in a wheelchair than he must undoubtedly live in Chicago......(Don't ask for an explanation on this theory) I dove over the bed and grabbed the phonebook off the table. Tearing ferociously through the pages I realized that a man like Steven Hawking would obviously not list his real name but rather an alias. Ripping wildly through the pages of residential section "H" (Hawking) I grabbed the Headset and began cold calling I knew it had to be Steven Hathrow, Stephanie Hannery, St. Heralds Commune or etc., etc., etc., . and I kept calling.

To my avail, I'm fairly certain I failed in constructing this would be glorious machine. A lot of the said people called scoffed at my accusations like "I KNOW HE IS THERE!" or "I NEED TO SPEAK TO STEAVEN HAWKING NOW DAMN IT!!" However, among the roughly 152 calls I made I'm sure old S.H. was one of them.  I feel like maybe he was a little concerned that I might steal one of his theories or out do him in some way.  Oh well, all we can do is try, right?

-Joe