Written by Ether
THE BASICS
Now with any good hitchin’ experience you must remember the basics:
When making your sign, be specific on your direction and preferred route, write FAT letters on your sign with a wide tip sharpie, always try on-ramps and truck stops first and I usually try to have a clever or humorous sign if I’m trying to hitch a ride out of a gas station or truck stop. If you can’t think of anything clever being polite works just as well and in all reality probably better, such as ‘275 North Please’ or just ‘Towards Philly’. I just prefer to weed out the stuck ups and grab the attention of those with a sense of humor or wit about them with an eye grabbing sign. Finding cardboard in the trash to make a sign is always abundant in dumpsters, choose a large piece so people can read it from far away. (Also: Try to make sure your rat is well hidden inside your shirt.)
Besides those basic rules make sure you bring a tarp, a blanket, a rope or bungee cord (for setting up a camp), a small atlas, your ID, a container for water (Nalgene’s work well as they are usually able to be clipped onto your pack), a little bit of food, a few extra pair of socks (no other clothes are really necessary, besides the ones on your back), a sharpie, a pen and paper (for thoughts or journal entries), a harmonica, a small flashlight, at least half a roll of toilet paper, a knife, a lighter, rolling tobacco, your favorite girlie magazine and make sure your whiskey (or rum) is mixed with something and in a 2 liter bottle to help it look more inconspicuous.
All that’s left to do is wait on the side of the road (by the on ramp) with your sign up and thumb out or ‘walk down the line’ of truckers (at the truck stop) with your sign and see if one of them is feeling friendly (or lonely) enough to haul you and your stinky friend down the road a bit.
RIDES FROM THE ON RAMP
Always, I repeat, ALWAYS ask your driver which way and road they are driving before getting in their vehicle. The main problem with merely sticking out your thumb is you have no idea of whom is going to stop and pick you up, if anyone at all.
When someone does stop and let you into their car make sure to introduce yourself and thank them for stopping. There is no reason to announce your plans or intentions of where you are going and why you have decided to hitch. They will ask, so if you’re going to an anarchist farm and they seem to be stodgy old southern republicans or bible thumping right wingers, try to make it sound more subtle, such as ‘I’m going to a farm to work with some people that I know there and learn some of their trades if I can.’
Now, if it is your turn to sit up front with the driver (assuming your hitching with a friend and the ‘NO WAY DUDE! I HAD TO MAKE ALL THE SMALL TALK LAST TIME!’ ‘rule’ is applicable and active) it is YOUR duty to engage the small talk with your adopted chauffeur and to make them feel comfortable with the fact that they just allowed a couple of strangers into their car and that the strangers look and possibly smell rather odd. Unless they ask, and you feel comfortable telling or you feel that it is okay to do so… it is generally best to try to avoid talk of living on the street (if you are indeed living on the street.) Staying with generic subjects such as asking about their family, the recent weather or the scenery that is flying by outside the car windows is almost always safe.
Some drivers prefer to do all the talking. This is where we do the listening and pretend that we care about whatever they are saying. Sometimes you may have to fight not to fall asleep in the midst of them talking, especially if they start talking or preaching about religion, their place in the world or their life story and how it’s ‘not so far-off from ours.’ (I enjoy religion conversation EXCEPT when my opinion could be considered offensive and cause me to end up stranded on the side of the road.) Be wary of all opinions that you allow the driver to hear.
As the ‘front seat wingman’ you must help with navigation if the driver requests it and it is common courtesy to offer navigational help before it is requested, especially if you plan on riding with them for an extensive distance.
Also, if you have been drinking (which hopefully you have been a little bit at least) try to NOT talk too much as you may be more engaged to have drunken gab with them like they were old high school buddies or possibly convert back to your more offensive and more natural ‘street talk’ which usually involves a lot of ‘fucks’ and ‘shits.’
You must also remember to keep your rat hidden for the first ‘20 minutes ‘NO-SEE’ ‘rule’ involving rats or small hidden travel friends. (Generally if you keep your rat hidden for at least 20-30 minutes/miles and the driver hasn’t noticed yet, once your rat becomes restless and you’re tired of fighting the secrecy this is the ‘safe time’, to bust out or fess up to your furry friend. The driver mindset at this point is usually ‘Well, it behaved for this long and didn’t run all over the place, so it must be alright.’
If you are lucky enough to be the ‘back seat bandit’ then you are probably going to ignore EVERYBODY in the front seat and periodically receive cold stares from your friend whenever the driver isn’t paying attention.
RIDES FROM TRUCK DRIVERS
First off, truckers are an amazing breed. They make this country run as much as do freight trains, coincidentally which harbor as many of us, if not more. Without either of them this country would shut down within a week. NEVER FORGET THIS. They know and understand this, DO NOT downplay it or talk badly about it, even when/if they do. They rule the roads and should be given the respect they’re due.
Truckers have a very lonely job. Load a truck or have it loaded, drive somewhere (generally by themselves), wait for it to be unloaded, repeat.
This loneliness is where we come in… sometimes. It is against most semi-truck companies to allow unregistered riders in the truck while driving (some companies won’t allow them to bring their wives or even their pets.) Privately owned trucks are more apt to help out with a ride but you can always find someone who is willing to bend the rules.
A lot of these truckers are married or have a girlfriend who is usually a state or 10 away and whom they won’t be seeing for a couple days or maybe even a couple weeks still. So if you are highly against or cannot stand to be around people who have a tendency to be chauvinistic or whom commonly will oogle girls in passing cars, I suggest you stick with the on-ramp rides and bypass truckstops at all costs. These drivers are usually the ones who will point out the girl with the ample ‘weapons of mass destraction’ (as they are called) or the ‘seat cover’ (which is typically a girl who is riding next to a driver.) I have even been in trucks where the driver has suddenly asked me to hold the wheel so he could better seem them ‘tittay’s.’
Once again, some drivers prefer to talk rather than listen. Trust me, give them the floor.
Never spange for money at truck stops. This is a big ‘No No’, It is a sure fire way to get kicked off the property, harassed or have the cops called on you. Just sit somewhere where you can easily talk to drivers/truckers and where they can see your sign.
Always be courteous and respectful towards truckers. They live a hard life but if you get in with them good. If they like you they will take care of you as though you were a long lost good friend. I always offer to help unload the truck (most get their trucks unloaded by someone else but the offer is enough to give you a little start-off clout.) I have had truckers call other truckers searching for a ride going towards my destination or even allowed me to use their CB and ask other drivers myself. I’ve been bought truck stop diner meals by countless truckers (on good and bad terms with them.) I’ve had showers, clothes, smokes and fast food bought by the majority of truckers. Truckers will take care of you, so be considerate of them and help them with anything you feel capable to help with… or else ye shall be doomed to be shut down by one of the best groups of rides you will ever find.
YOUR PACK
Your back pack should always be as light and compact as possible. A strong canvas backpack or even an army issued Alice pack work very well and both are semi water resistant. You need to be able to throw your pack around without worrying about it tearing and it must be strong enough for you to sit on when you have to wait in one area for an extended period of time (which will happen)
Have everything more likely to be needed (atlas, booze, toilet paper, tobacco, sharpie etc.) on outer pockets or on the very top of the pack anything breakable (camera, whiskey bottle etc.) inside, wrapped with anything to soften a blow it may receive from being sat on or from being thrown into the back of a pickup truck. Your tarp and blanket can easily be rolled up together and tied onto the top or hang from the bottom of your pack.
One tarp can be enough for 2 people but everyone should have their own for convenience sake. A dull color is perfect for side of the highway or behind a gas station/fast food campout, but having a bright or reflective side sounds like it would be useful as well (though I haven’t ever needed my tarp to be more visual before.)
Finally, the MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember about your pack is NEVER leave your pack in your hitched ride’s car. If you are getting out to use the restroom, take it with you. Your driver may take offense to this, assuming you are thinking they are a thief. Merely tell them that it is a safety precaution and hope they realize that without your pack you would be pretty much naked on the side of the road. The only time I leave my pack in a car is if I go into a gas station and I can see the car and the doors are locked or if I know for sure they have no evil purposes towards me. Use your own judgment but always try to keep it close.
STAYING HEALTHY
Water is essential. Heat stroke isn’t a joke and being stranded somewhere far away from houses or a gas station without water is dangerous. I have a Nalgene that I clip onto my pack in an easy to reach spot. Always refill your water if the option is there, no matter how full it may be… you never know when the next time to fill up will be.
I usually try to bring a jar of peanut butter as it is a good source of protein, compact and if my rat is acting up I can smear some on a wall or dab some on her nose (she hates that) and she will lick it off while I figure out what my plan of action is. Granola, nuts, trail mix (hippy food) are good and will keep for a while. Canned food is good and easy to heat up straight in the can. Most canned food has the easy open tops but you can easily pick up an army issued P-38 can opener that fits into your wallet at an army surplus store. If your hardcore about your food pick up some MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) while you’re there as well (they taste like cardboard.) I usually bring a little hippy food, some peanut butter and wing it from there. There are plenty of dumpsters to search for food. Plus if you ask fast food places/restaurants as they are closing if they have any ‘burnt or extra food I could take off your hands for ya’ they usually will kick something down, sometimes they will give you all the food they have so they don’t have to package for the next day or so they don’t have to haul it off to the trash.
Always take your shoes AND socks off for a few hours every night. Only sleep with them on if absolutely necessary (coldness, bugs etc.) Boot rot is terrible and not only hurts to walk on but it will slow you down and smell bad as well. Take care of your feet. I sleep with my shoes and socks off every night that I can and attempt to change my socks (especially if they are wet!) whenever possible. It’s an easy thing to do and an easy thing to forget, your feet are your foundation, take care of them!
YOUR APPROACH / ATTITUDE
Your attitude greatly depends whether you will get picked up or not. If your smiling people tend to think you’re a happy person and will pick you up OR they think your crazy and will speed up to pass you. Don’t smile too hard… it will look fake, especially if your baking in the sun and no one is picking you up. Sometimes I do a little dance to help pass the time, it hasn’t helped me get a ride yet, but I enjoy seeing people smile as they drive by.
Try not to get upset by people passing you and yelling, flipping you off or giving you a thumbs up (making fun of your thumb sticking out.) Just realize they are assholes and will probably run out of gas, get pulled over or die in a firey auto crash. Remember there are two types of people who drive cars… Genuine people and drivers. The genuine people are the ones who stop and help us. If you are screaming obscenities, flipping people off or throwing stuff at cars you will not get picked up and probably will get the cops called on you.
YOUR FRIEND
If you are a girl you will be picked up immediately, most likely get harassed and probably hate whoever picks you up. If you are a guy, you won’t get picked up as easy but still have a decent chance of getting picked up. If you a guy/girl couple, people assume you are a couple (whether you are or not) and probably assume that the guy won’t be hitting on the driver (if she is female) and that if your nice enough to have a girl with you that you are probably an alright guy in general. If you are 2 guys, usually it will take a bit longer for you to get rides. Though I have had fantastic luck and actually had 6 very pretty girls by themselves pick me and my friend up, all in one trip from Jacksonville to Miami. Hitching with a dog is hard, I have never done it, but known plenty who have, it will probably be a pick up truck that stops or an animal lover more than a humanitarian. Probably only stopping to get your ‘poor dog’ out of the heat, they could care less about us.
WIERDOS
Don’t ever be afraid to ask someone to stop and let you out. Especially if you feel threatened or uncomfortable around them. Most of my rides have been relatively harmless, though there is always the occasionally wingnut. If you get a real weirdo, just tell them to stop and to let you out at the first on-ramp, truck stop or roadside park. If they refuse, tell them you feel sick. This will almost always get them to stop.
If you are a girl, I HIGHLY recommend hitchin with a guy you trust and can take care of himself and you as well if needed. There are sicko’s out there who think that if a girl gets in their car that somehow they are gonna get laid or some type of scene they have watched in too many late night Cinemax movies is going to play out.
I started rubber banding just the blade part of a knife to my wrist for protection. I pull down my sleeve or keep it covered with a bandana tied around my wrist. I figure that your arm is not the first place they will think you have a knife, so I feel a little safer this way. If I get a weird vibe I merely cross my arms in front of me and BAM! my hand is resting on my knife.
Most of the time we are the wierdos, so try to play it down a little at least until they become more comfortable with you. REMEMBER: You are representing hitch hikers everywhere. Do NOT give us a bad name. That’s what stupid inaccurate horror movies and the media over-covering the one or 2 hitch hiking incidents that actually had an evil hitch hiker involved are for. Statistically, we, the hitch hikers, are more likely to be harmed than to harm anyone ourselves.
COPS
Never admit you knew hitch hiking was illegal. I usually say someone such as a security guard or even another cop in a different county (the ‘different county’ part is very important!) or my friend said it was ‘ok’. ALWAYS PLAY DUMB. Do not get cute with cops. They probably don’t like you, may be jealous of your freedom and hate ‘punks like you’ in general. So be courteous and play the innocent ‘I’m not from here’ card and you’ll probably get out unscathed. Sometimes cops will merely yell over their P.A. system at you to ‘get off the road’ or ‘that’s illegal’ or something along those lines. Just move on and go sit at a gas station or find a new on-ramp.
I usually tell cops that ‘I had a ride all the way to where I was going, but the driver was drinking (or started to get weird) and I didn’t feel comfortable riding with them anymore and asked to be let out.
If you are lucky they may give you a ride to the next county so as to not have to worry about you anymore, though they will inform the next county of your presence. I have gotten through multiple counties in a row this way. It is always a little un-nerving. Especially if they make you ride in the back seat and have your pack in their trunk. They will definitely run your name and pat you down for weapons before letting you in their car. Stay polite and don’t give out information they don’t need (who’s house your going to or why.) If you joke around, smile a lot and call them ‘sir’, ‘maam’ or ‘officer’ they will respect your politeness towards their ‘authority’. Let them have the illusion that you respect them, once you’re out of their car and they have driven off, then you can take a deep breath and begin talking shit about them again.
The worst case scenario is A. you get a citation or ticket. B. they tell you to move or you will get arrested or C. you get arrested. Only scenario B. has happened to me and for that I feel very lucky. Now the beautiful thing about hitchin’ is the fact that if you DO manage to get a ticket, you are leaving the state and they probably won’t track you down for something so petty. Besides that by the time any type of warrant is issued for you, if you’re good at hitchin’ you should be at least a state or 4 away by then. Or you can stick around where ever you are at, earn enough money to pay off your ticket and continue to travel legit, though I’m pretty sure that type of stuff only happens in movies and fairy tales.
LUCK
Just hope that you have it. Otherwise it really sucks standing in one spot for 8 hours to 2 days waiting for a ride. Trust me.